Letter to the Centipedes

To any monster centipedes still hiding out in my home, or those outside thinking about coming in:

I've just about had enough of you for one season (or a lifetime).  I was quite taken by surprise the first time a freakishly fuzzy thing scooted out from beside the bottom stair when I was putting on my shoes a month ago, and I had to trap you with a cup.

I had never seen your kind before, so I had to google you.  Google said you liked warm and humid places, so I figured you were just lost.  We have nothing in here for you, and it's most definitely hotter and more humid outside than it is in our house.

Then your buddy decided to scare me by making his presence known under my vacuum another morning.  He really pushed my buttons though when I came back with a killing tool and was gone, and I had to leave him in my house all day.  We made amends though when he showed his face that afternoon and was taken captive.  J would have let him live in the great outdoors, but he had a homing beacon on our house, so he met his end.

One of your little ones really pushed the limit when they were found playing inside my lunchbox... even worse, inside my cup inside my lunchbox.  NOT COOL.

A few nights ago, one of your elders who apparently has been around a long time decided it was safe to come out in the wall on the stairwell.  Guess he thought we were upstairs for good, but little did he know, I had to go back downstairs.  J was in no mood for bug-saving games, so a huge wad of tissue was called in for duty.  Sorry if this guy was important or something.

But you guys have now gone too far.  This morning was the last straw - coming into my bedroom?  No sir, I'm not going to take it.  The thought of you guys near my bed and in my clothes... not gonna fly.  J found one of your young'uns in the kitchen again too, so I'm thinking you guys have gotten a little too bold with what you think is OK around here.

It's a good thing I don't have pets or babies around yet.  Because the bug spray is coming out this weekend in full force.  There will be no entry surface to cross without walking through our poison.  I'm sorry, I know you're all God's creatures too, but you've overstepped the boundaries here.

I hope you've enjoyed it while you can, because next week will be like walking on hot coals for you... well, hot coals coated with poison.  And one day, when our home isn't rented, I promise you my windows and doors will be sealed so well that you won't even have an option.

In closing, I think it's time to terrorize someone else now. Move on please, because even though I really can't stand your creepy-crawliness slinking across my floor and walls, I still don't really care to pick up your poisoned bodies either.

Please pass this along to all your friends.

Sincerely (and not kidding),
Sarah